What i did on my Xmas vacation

Take a little trip back with Father Tieresias
Listen to the old man speak of all he has been through
For I have crossed between the poles
And for me there's no mystery

Once a man, like the sea I raged
Once a woman, like the earth i gave
but there is in fact more earth than sea
-Genesis

TOUR STATS

1,670 miles by car
9,000 miles by plane

Cities:New York City, Newark NJ, Hasbrouck Heights NJ, New Milford NJ, Ansonia CT, Newtown CT, Wilton Ct, Rockville MD, McLean VA

Events: NJ Devils game, Bridgeport Soundtigers game, concert: the Musical Box

This was the highest grossing El Dude tour ever! Thanks to all. See you in Summer 2008. We will be playing small outdoor stadiums.

Darth never renewed the Toyota's registration and never told me, so i came home to a unregistered vehicle, which you can't re-register without inspection and i was never in VA on a business day this trip, so I was kind of boned up the pooper on that one. Mum also informed me in week 2 that i had a tail light out – delightful! Ford Mercury (the god of road travel) obviously watched over me as i cruised up and down 95. On the 2^nd, Mum and i got the car registered in her name and i got my CT license. Mum went to watch the boys and I ran some errands and got pulled over!!!! Am I a lucky little bitch or what?

It was a young cop who pulled me over 5 blocks from Mum's house.

“Your back tail light's out.”

I almost said yeah I know but instead said “ IT IS?” I gave him the paperwork.

“The car's registered in VA but has CT plates, you can't do that.”

“The CT plate is in the back window.”

“You need to put it on there as soon as you get it.”

“I just got it today and didn't have a screw driver with me at motor vehicles in Norwalk.”

He let me go without a ticket.

Best quotes of the trip:

Laura: That's such a nice gift Connor. What do you say to Grandma?

Connor: (looking around with his Power Rangers space ship in his hand) Mom- where's my missles!

= = =

El Dude: I just wish i had seen you more.

Seester: Yeah, I would have seen you more if you had given me more notice!

= = =

Mum: That's not really Maria pictured on the blog, is it?

El Dude: Who the hell do you think it is, Franco's niece?

= = =

Kevin: I haven't read the blog lately. I figure, why read virtual Jay when I have real Jay?

Truer words were never spoken. I have hired him as my publicist for 2008.

Flashback: 3 de Enero, 11:05 PM EST

I am in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean on Aer Lingus. The light on my seat doesn't work so i can't read, and the flight is sold out. Bummer, I love to read on flights – besides, I can't wait to find out who won World War II! Hijo de Puta! So I watched Mr. Woodcock, which was funny but forgettable. And now, I write.

I am kind of sick, but may be recovering, It seems my body just gave out after new years. Not surprising – tours are demanding business. I'll live. Oh yes, i shall live, and come back to haunt you another day!!!

Riding in the Scree

I've gotten a lot of email asking about my sledding championship (0 -but i know they are coming!) – so here it goes. It was maybe 1 am on New Years. Dave Terry, Kev, Smith and I are all outside. Smith's front lawn goes forever, but its dark as hell. He says we can go sledding with the kids tomorrow. There's no snow on the ground other places in CT that I've been, so i tell him he's smoked too much mistletoe. He dares me to get on a sled. He gives me a muther of a push and off I go, whipping thru the moonless night on the silent wings of freedom. I'm on my back, but have luged before (seriously, in Lake Placid) so i use my legs to guide me. I skid over the ice and snow, fighting to keep my feet facing forward. Then i saw it. Bushes. Then the sled stopped and I kept going, landing safely in the brambles. Luckily i had a heavy sweater and laughed my ass off from the thrill of it all.

Smith followed. But I got much farther than him, winning heat one.

The second heat was to be Kevin and Dave, but Kevin is a risk manager and thought the better of it. He'll outlive us all (but what's the fun in that!)>So it was me and Dave.

Dave went first. 3 minutes later we hadn't heard a thing and it was starless and bible black. So i start down. I riding with the wind when suddenly Dave stands up. It's all I can do to swing right and miss him, and i go well past him, winning heat two – the undisputed champion. I'm sure Mum is so proud reading this!

11:21 PM EST

The OC is playing on the TV. I am listening to my iPod, instead of the sound, but I can only conclude from the images before me that it is the worst show of all time.

Soon I will be home. Back in the USA, Mum's house bears the marks of all my crap being stuffed in every alcove possible. The Toyota sits in mothballs in the Tietjen driveway with CT plates. For all practical purpose, i am a resident of CT, at least in the eyes of the Man. Also, 6 – 8 weeks a year my mother and I are housemates – horrifying to both of us. I am sure! But I sincerely thank her for taking me in.

I can't wait to stretch and take my pants off! I hate planes! I hate pants!

It's 4:29 am, Irish time. Still no light outside the plane. Cold and black as the grave it is.

Ano Nuevo

I called La Profesora on New Years. It was 1 am,.”I'm calling you from the past. Don't be alarmed. Who wins the Super Bowl? What's stocks should i buy? Who wins Euro 2008?”

“I may be in the future, and you may be in the past, but you're still older than me,” she says.

What a drag it is getting old
-The Rolling Stones

She lived like a murder
but she died
just like suicide
-Soundgarden

In truth, I live in Madrid. I am bringing pictures of NYC and DC, as well as Mets and Capitals banners to put on the walls of my flat. For the most part, I have vacated the VA house. DC is a but a memory, as

is marriage and Darth. I fly into the future, into the unknown. Hallelujah! Halle Berry! Halitosis.! Haliburton! This just keeps getting worse and worse. Better quit while I still can. Happy New Year buggers!

Almost cut my hair
happened just the other day
was getting kind of long
I could have said it was in my way

but I didn't
and i wonder why
feel like letting
my freak flag fly...

must be cause i had the flu for Christmas
and i'm not feeling up to par
increases my paranoia
like looking in my mirror and seeing a police car
-Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young

11:57 PM EST

They just brought me orange juice. Can we land yet? Another hour? Fucking bullocks! Turn on a fucking light so i can read and stop boring the balls off of my blogees.

Jane! Stop this crazy thing!!!!
-George Jetson

Victory (sans Sylvester Stallone)!

the only thing we have to fear is fear itself
-FDR (sorry Janet´s mom!, who hates him to this day)

The Seahawks win the pennant! The Seahawks win the pennant!

Watched it at Dubliners with an Australian guy (Maria was quite ill and could not make it). Look out GB. I predict we punk your ass. But it will take a much better effort.

To all my friends who like the Redskins. You are very dear to me but you are our BITCH!

I predict a 1pm start next sunday in GB.

Also, for Season 3, we went to European Union colors. Hope you dig it.

Adios!!!!!

One down one to go
one more town and one more show...
-Yes

Gracias to all of you who fed and housed me: Mum, Pat and Laura, Kevin and Heather, Bryan and Rebecca, Mike and Mima. Thanks for everything. The winter 07 - 08 tour was a rousing success.

Happy New Year to All! Note: I won the new years down hill sledding races at Smith's and shall return to defend my title- I did my Jamaican bobsledding brethren proud!

And now, i must bid you ado and volver a Madrid. Stay tuned for Season 3, starting January 6th on the web near you!

Happy Fucking New Year!!!

(Maria, so dramatic!!!!)

Your multilingual business friend
Has packed her bags and fled
Leaving only ash-filled ashtrays
And the lipsticked unmade bed
The mirror on reflection
Has climbed back upon the wall
For the floor she found descended
And the ceiling was too tall
Your trouser cuffs are dirty
And your shoes are laced up wrong
You'd better take off your homburg
'cos your overcoat is too long
-procol harum

It's been a crazy year, but a good one. I look forward to 2008- the year i get divorced! Finally! Here's to new starts. I wish you all a happy, healthy prosperous one!

Paydirt

Keep your 'lectric eye on me babe

Put your ray gun to my head

Press your space face close to mine, love

Freak out in a moonage daydream oh yeah!

-David Bowie

Has it really been a week? Bad blogger! Bad blogger! Well, it's been nonstop tour action - wall to wall. I've driven almost 1500 miles and been i've hit seven cities (or towns) so far: Ansonia, Wilton, Newtown, New Milford, NYC, Newark, and Rockvill, with multiple dates in Ansonia, Wilton and New Milford, NJ.

Saw a Devild game in the new stadium. It looks like a war zone around the stadium - no where to get food or beer - just like it was at the MCI Center in DC at first.

Well, i'm too road weary to entertain much. So i give you, on this last day of 2007, pictures of La Profesora. She finally relented and sent me pictures to refute allegations that she is a vampire, a porn star or a CIA operative. But as you can tell, like me, she is a wise ass.

Well - i can only load one for some reason. I don't mean to be such a tease: nature just loves me this way!

Here Again

I said I played this song so many times before
That the melody keeps repeating
Growing new ideas, flowing chords and notes
Like a mountain river bleeding
-Rush

Hey people. Just spent three great days with the Mum, The Tietjens and Jim, Mel, Pete, Seam and Chris. We saw the Genesis cover band THE MUSICAL BOX and they were great. After some car troubles (dead battery and a problem with the alarm that hasn't been used in 7 years) I drove to DC and am staying with Bryan and Rebecca (Who are fasting and very hungry!). So nice to see everyone.

The City was full of people – just crazy. The city that never sleeps was busting at the seams. We were down on Chambers Street and the amount of space from what used to be the World Trade Center was eerie. Those buildings used to dominate the horizon from that street.

Everybody seems well. Does NOT seem like I haven't seen them in a long time at all, which is such a sweet sticky feeling! With family and goof friends you can jump right back in!

I am watching American Football - what a treat (even if it is fucking Dallas).

Tomorrow i get Fripp and bring him to CT. It will be just like old times.

You know I've, I've seen your face before
Is it ever gonna, ever gonna change again?
Oh, oh, I've, I've been in one place too long
Is it ever gonna, ever gonna change again?
-Rush

Volver

Let's tell the future
Let's see how it's been done.
By numbers. By mirrors. By water.
By dots made at random on paper.

By salt. By dice.
By meal. By mice.
By dough of cakes.
By sacrificial fire.

By fountains. By fishes.
Writing in ashes.
Birds. Herbs.
Smoke from the altar.

-Suzanne Vega

BOLD PREDICTIONS FOR 2008

Yes, herr bloggees, 'tis the time of year for El Dude's bold and beautiful predictions for the new year:

-The New England Patriots will go 16 – 0 but will not win the championship, losing the Superbowl to Seattle, in the second fixed Super Bowl (both involving the Seahawks). A probe into the game in 2089 shows the fix was largely bankrolled by the 1972 Dolphins.

-Shrubby will choke on a peanut, but this time the Secret Service will not save him. Dick Cheney becomes president and in an hour long inauguration speech, filled with cackling villainesque laughter, drops dead of a heart attack.

-The campaigns of Hillary and Rudy both sputter and fail. Obama just runs out of gas in August and nominates Oprah Winfrey, who wins the Election. By 2012 the country has a 300 billion dollar surplus.

-Atletico Madrid wins either the UEFA Cup or the Copa Del Rey in 2008.

-My boss Alex, the Daft Cunt, is found dead, drowned in the Retiro Park lake in just two feet of water. A Washington Nationals hat is found in the lake near the body. The case is never solved.

Sleep comes like a drug
in God's country
-U2

Had lunch with Nikos at a vegetarian place on Saturday and then spent a fantastic Sat night and Sunday with La Profesora. Sunday night we went to a Mediterranean place where we sat on the floor. It was fantastic.

I slept in Geta last night at left at 6:30 for class. I need a nap.

18 de Diciembre

RE-ENTRY

Floodlit in the hazy distance
The star of this unearthly show
Venting vapors, like the breath
Of a sleeping white dragon

Crackling speakers, voices tense
Resume the final count
All systems check, T minus nine
As the sun and the drama start to mount
-Rush

i have two more classes tomorrow morning, then i come home and collect my bags and head to Barajas airport for the 15 hour odyssey that will bring me to the other side of the Atlantic, to my friends and love ones. Can't wait to see you all! I have friends and La Profesora who will miss me in Madrid. Indeed, i am a fortunate man. Next time we converse, it shall be from North America!

20 de Diciembre

This is major tom to ground control
Im stepping through the door
And Im floating in a most peculiar way
And the stars look very different today

For here
Am I sitting in a tin can
Far above the world
Planet earth is blue
And theres nothing I can do
-David Bowie

I am back and safe, taking refuge in Ansonia. It was a marathon 18 hour odyssey marked by temporarily missing luggage and long delays but i arrived in one piece, as did my luggage, which is all you can ever ask for. The snoring guy next to me, the grown man who kept kicking my seat and the chick in front of me who put her seat so far back i couldn't use the computer are soon forgotten. Thus begins Winter Tour 2007 - 2008. Onward to Wilton. Then Hasbrouck Heights and NYC. Then Rockville, MD. Woo hoo!