Parallel Lines

Parallel Lines

I'm not present
I'm a drug that makes you dream
I'm an Aerostar
I'm a Cutlass Supreme
In the wrong lane
Tryin' to turn against the flow
I'm the ocean
I'm the giant undertow
-Neil Young

DOMINGO

Well, there was a thunderstorm on Friday, and my best pair of dress pants that I wear to work took a header off of the clothesline, four stories down. Que bummer! They were stuck on a wall in some dead ivy (hopefully not poison) about a story up. The problem is that no one has a key to the beautiful little courtyard down below (Spanish intelligence at its best). So I devised a contraption made out of rope and an upsidedown pants hanger. Then Stuart and I taped two old metal decorative plates to each end to give it some weight so we could swing it. Then the fishing began.

My black pants were blocked by some nasty tree branches and it was dodgy going. I couldn't get the line out far enough. But Stuart is like 6'2 and has better reach he was half out the window and hanging with his feet propped against closed part of the window. "If I fall, tell my family I love'em."

"I'm not telling your family you died trying to get my pants."

"With my luck I'd live"

"How about I just make up a nice story about you saving orphans?"

"Aye. That'll do."

"But I'm going to grab your feet so you don't fall, just the same."

After about 20 minutes the pants were hooked and brought safely in.

But then the metal frame on one side of the line broke hanging laundry and we had to cut a broom handle longer than the pantry window and tie the line to that. This is how my time is spent here.

The bad news is that when I woke up this morning, my best pair of jeans was in the same spot. This time our fishhook gave way and we lost the plates. So my jeans are still out there. A cleaning lady comes on Friday to clean the halls and she has the key to the courtyard. And it doesn't look like they're going anywhere.

TECHNOLOGY AND FAMILY

Talked to Mel, Mom and Jan via Yahoo IM tonight, video audio and all. It was great. Mom was amazed at the technology. I got to chat with Bryan too. We hope to have Internet in the flat soon, but it may take up to a month. The Spanish are as efficient as a three year old picking up his toys. Mel sent me a DHL package, 3 day mail, and it is still in customs three weeks later. It's not like she sent me a live giant panda and an ounce of weed. But such is Espana.

And so life rolls on. I watch life down on Calle Bravo Murillo from the deck for about 10 minutes a day. Today was very clear and the mountains to the west of us were breathtaking. It's easier to look out at the mountains than down at my jeans.

CIRKUS

The bars and clubs were absolutely jammified last night as all of the Madrillenos were out celebrating carnival: basically trying to get their ya-ya's out before Lent. The Plaza del Sol was wall to wall people. Never have I seen it so packed. And the costumes: people dressed as bugs, clowns, wizards, etc. Men were dressed in drag and every fifth person had a wig. But the best costumes were three people waiting at the traffic light dressed as prawns. They had big orange suits on. Their faces poked out at the bottom of the neck while the prawn heads were another two feet above their heads. Priceless!

I don't know when I'll get to post this, or when I'll get to post again, but a big HAPPY BIRTHDAY goes out to the Sleestack, who will be an undisclosed age on February 20 th. What's most important is that she's younger than me.

Then there's Lent. This place is so massively Catholic it's unbelievable. There are actually Catholic prayers mounted in some subway cars. So even though I'm Buddhist, I've decided to honor the tradition. This year I am giving up:

a) Listening to stupid people
b) Knife throwing (which I'll miss terribly!)
c) Using a fork
d) underwear (none of it's clean anyway)
e) and making fun of Shrubby: W. Bush (I don't think I'll last a fucking week).

Okay, It's 3 AM. My brain is mush. Sloppy kisses with tongue going out to all of you!!!!!




Lunes, Feb 19th

LET THE HAMMER FALL

I'll blacken your Christmas
And piss on your door
You'll cry out for mercy
Still there'll be more
-Procol Harum

Just for the record, I wasn't the one who pushed the plate off the table. I was just the one who smashed it into nano bits.

Alluded to above is the saga of the DHL package Mel sent me containing clean socks, a video cam and mike for the computer, and a pot and a pan that the Chaos sisters so thoughtfully sent (It was supposed to arrive while I was living with the cannibalistic witch, cause I wouldn't touch those pots and pans).

It arrived on Jan 27th. It was in customs. After a week of trying to talk to someone, I emailed them and got a reply. I guess they needed my Passport #., so I gave them that. They said DHL would be my proxy. I said fine. I called back three days later, and they were still working on it. And three days later and so on and so on. I started to get bitchy in my quasi-Spanish and they said customs closes at like three and they would call the next day. No call. I call back the day after, "Lo siento, customs is closed. We'll call tomorrow morning." This happened again. The third time was today. Poor Miguel who answered my call, it wasn't his lucky day. Miguel spoke a little English.

MIGUEL: Customs is closed. You will must to call tomorrow.
EL DUDE: You've told me that three times now. Can't anybody over there write a fucking note and remember to call? I want a manager.
MIGUEL: I am sorry. Customs is clo-sed.
EL DUDE: This is bullshit. I want a fucking manager right now. Suddenly, like the gift of tongues, I become completely fluent. El jefe, ahora! Comprende?No me creas tu bullshit! – Torro Doo Doo!
MIGUEL: Si, rapidamente. (30 seconds go by) Lo siento. I am sorry, there is no one to talk to in customs. I can give you a new complaint number.
EL DUDE: Great. Another complaint number. Now I can paper my walls with them. The hell with customs!!! I want a jefe there at DHL.
MIGUEL: There is no one here to talk to.
El DUDE: You know what, this attitude is why your country hasn't accomplished fuck all in 400 years. I work until 3pm and can't call before then, I don't have some cushy Spanish job where I get to siesta for 4 hours and then go back to work. Now here's what you're going to do. I'm going to give you mi numero telefonica and you're going to call me back tomorrow, no later than 11 am. Comprende???? (I give him my number in Spanish.) Very good. No later than 11 am. Yes. Lo siento. Yo sabo no es su faulta. But you just got me on the wrong fucking day, you poor bastard.
MIGUEL: No, I understand why you are upset.

So let's see what happens. They're probably setting fire to my package right now. Don't worry Seester, get it I shall. Let the hammer fall.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEL!!!!!!


Miercoles (Ash Miercoles)

And it's true that I stole your lighter
And it's also true that I lost the map
But when you said I wasn't worth talking to
You know I had to take your word on that
-Liz Phair

Sometimes life is beautiful. We see little glimpses of true unadulterated happiness. Most of the time life is lovely, but there are those certain moments that are impossible to put into words. So I won't.

DON'T STAND SO CLOSE TO ME, PART II

So last Viernes (Friday) I went to teach the older sister of that pair of sisters I teach. Ana is even prettier than Maria and a few merciful years older. She answered the door in her pajamas. Now, it's very common for Spanish folks to wear their bed clothes constantly around the house. Still, it was a bit jarring. So she says hello and ushers me into Maria's room. I figure she'll go and get changed. Nope. She just shuts the door.

Now when you are tutoring a student, you usually only have one book, so you sit pretty close together so that you can both read the text. All that was separating her from me was a layer of flannel. Sweet Hindu baby Jesus, you have to be kidding me!!!!!

Well, she seemed to enjoy her lesson and her oral skills were excellent. All in a day's work.


IRLANDA

From the point of conception
Until the candle is burned
The point of departure
Is not to return
- Rush


I saw Deidre today. She was pretty shaken up from her mugging, but she's staying! I'm thrilled because she's a good friend. Also, because I know from my experience in Jamaica (and Vietnam) that you should never leave a place on a bad note. It'll become the highlight of the entire experience. Time abroad is too few and far between and it would be sad for her to remember this part of her life this way. Besides, Irlanda (our nickname for her, it means ' Ireland' in Espanol) is one tough bitch!

TAYLOR: That´s it. Keep them flying.
LUCIOUS (the Ape): What´s that?
TAYLOR: …The banners of discontent.
- Planet of the Apes