Escritando

When you sing to your mum, and you hum and you croon
And she says that she'd like it "with more of a tune"
And you smash your guitar at the end of the bed
Then you stick it together and start writing again
And you know that it won't be too long 'til your back
To bring her some money, she's calling you "honey"
Stashed in a bloody great sack
In your Cadillac
-the Who

Getting back to writing after a 8 week hiatus is never easy. It's like to trying to get an old lover going or working the fancy coffeemaker; there's been times when i've forgotten how to work both.

The blog is easy, because it's been reinforced into my routine. It's like eating or peeing. Or pooping that last three days. But these novels - these F@#king novels that take three years to write from inception to end. And then the rewrites and more rewrites. I am not a patient man.

Does Chuck Palahniuk write and rewrite? Probably. That's surely part of how he's so good.

I've read Survivor, Fight club, Choke, and Haunted; all of which were deliriously strange, disgusting and true.

So what am i doing here? I'm just the Butler, hoovering to look busy til the Lady of the house is away and then i can get back to my biscuits and tea.

I've been working on a Cerebral LapDance (my solo music stuff) Compilation. Culling thru the archives and catalog. My advice is to poison your mailman now before it can be mailed to you.

-- - - -

Okay! Wrote for a few hours. I'm back on the bus!

Attack of the Colon

Heaven is a place where nothing ever happens.
-Talking Heads

This is a fantastic review of the new Clone Wars Movie, which just opened today here and i need to go see.

Other than that, i was still dying slowly of dysentery until this morning, which really only began at 14:00. I had slept since 23:30, discounting a few trips to the throne. 14 and a half hours! I think that qualifies as hibernation. I still feel weak, but it's getting better, i believe. Hooray!

By NATHAN LEE

Published: August 15, 2008 NY Times

Expectations were set so low by George Lucas’s lousy trilogy of “Star Wars” prequels that the latest from the Lucasfilm factory, a feature-length digital animation called “Star Wars: The Clone Wars,” comes as something of a surprise: it isn’t the most painful movie of the year!

Set between Episodes II and III, this new “Star Wars” saga (II.5?) completes the franchise’s divorce from photography-based cinema, as well as from any relationship to credible human feeling.

As a mechanical thrill ride, however, “The Clone Wars” has an uncluttered look and furious pace that make it more or less as satisfying as its wildly overdesigned predecessors, although it’s neither as agile nor as well made as the terrific series of short, traditionally animated “Clone Wars” installments shown on the Cartoon Network from 2003 to 2005.

The director, Dave Filoni, has cited “Thunderbirds,” the 1960s British animation series with marionettes, as an inspiration for the, uh, wooden style of his picture, but the stiff, self-important characterizations; corny space-war talk; and overheated militarism kept reminding me of “Team America: World Police.”

No more than a pretext for exploding robots and light-saber duels, the plot concerns the efforts of Anakin Skywalker and Ahsoka Tano, his neophyte sidekick, to secure a fragile alliance by retrieving Jabba the Hutt’s baby son from the double-crossing clutches of Count Dooku, blah, blah, blah. Exploding robots!

The Talking Ass

News of the World

Mum won the European leg of Cribbage by one game (after i misdealt!) making her the 2008 World Champion. I'll be back in '09!

I have some kind of running belly thing (Jamaica speak) that at first i thought was just too much gazpacho (garlic, tomato, olive oil) but has been with me for two days. I know not what it is, but call it the talking ass. I have be drinking electrolyte solution for two days (tastes like electro – shite). Thank god i don't need to be anywhere.

Luckily I got some Loperamida (the main ingredient in Imodium) before i went to the game. The LAST place you want to be with the talking ass is a football stadium, but Vincente Calderon doesn't even have toilet seats, just a porcelain mouth leading down to China. This makes it very difficult to tar the Chairman's roof.

The bad thing was my hot little pharmacist was there. Ugh! I discreetly told her what I needed in Spanish.

She shouted back “Si por Diarrhea !”They use the same word in Spanish.

But the game was great and my bowels survived. The draw for the group stage is tonight at 18:00.

Still i have no appetite, so I drink the electro – shite. It's been a long strange 7 weeks, so i'm not surprised i finally caught a bug with all my travels. If you count flights and driving in the Toyota, I did just under 12,000 miles.

Bowels, I hear you calling
- Kiss, as interpreted by El Dude

here Again

And fly away, from this dirty boulevard

-Lou Reed

I love Madrid at night. The breeze is cool and strong. The Mets and Phils are on MLB TV.

There's some heavy clouds but i don't think we'll get any more precipitation than the few drops we got earlier. It was literally like 3 drops.

It was a nice day at the pool today. It was nice and cool, dunking in occasionally. A few brews with Cara. Hooters everywhere.

I am home.

It's nice to be back.

But that was one hell of a holiday. Quite lovely indeed.

And now – I guess it's time to get on with the rest of my life.

- - - -

August in retrospect: My Mama, Obama, and the Dalai Lama

• The Beijing Olympics took place, which brought some much needed attention to the horrible things going on in Tibet.

• Obama becomes the first African-American to be a candidate for a major party

• The Mum comes to Madrid

Weird scenes inside the goldmine

Did you know? - Hitler invented the blow up doll. He didn't want German soldiers fraternizing with foreign women. They were going to be produced in Dresden, but it never happened after the city was fire bombed.

I keep emailing Tina Fey and asking her out. Sexy, funny and a writer – hot damn! I'm down with her being married and having a kid. Still waiting to hear back from her. I'm sure she's a busy lady. Any day now...

Monday is September.

Next year is the last year of this decade.

Some of my friend's kids are turning double digits. My boy Frippy is ten next year!

The US National debt is 9.6 Trillion dollars.

Our planet's population is estimated at 6.684 billion.

I once gave the Arch Bishop of Jamaica the finger. I travelled all the way to Kingston from Mandeville (3.5 hours) to get my work Visa renewed. After waiting in his office for two more hours, he tried to sneak out without seeing me. I flagged down his car in the driveway. I explained that Leo had offered to fly me home for my Mum's birthday, but i needed a new Visa to re-enter the country. I asked him to take care of it so i could continue to work at the orphanage. He told me "Maybe you should just go back to your country," See: I'm too lazy to get off my fat ass.

"Are you kidding?" I said. "That's not very Christian!" He rolled up the window and motioned for the driver to go. So i flipped him off. The Catholic Church and I just never have been able to gel.

The Mets were leading the Phils 7 – 0. Now it's 7-5. Fucking Pedro.

If Timo Perez doesn't look back over his shoulder while running the bases, the Mets win game 1 of the 2000 World Series. From there, anything might have happened.

Aug 28

Atleti lost the first leg 1 - 0 in Germany. Away goals break ties, so they needed to win 2-0 or then they'd need to win 3 -1, which is a bitch against a team of this caliber. I really doubted they'd be able to do it. But they came out swinging and beat Schalke into the ground after surviving some defensive lapses.

Atleti crushed Shalke 4 – 0. Champions League, here we come! The atmosphere was loco. I've never seen the stadium that crazy. After 12 years, Atleti is back in the most exclusive European competition. Woo hoo!

All around the World

I'm sittin' in the Sheraton Gibson playin' my Gibson
And boy do I wanna go home
I'm sittin' in the Sheraton Gibson playin' my Gibson
And boy do I feel all alone.
Cleveland, you blow my mind.
Cleveland, I wish I were home this time.
Don't want to be unkind .

But I'm sittin' in the Sheraton Gibson playin' my Gibson
Thinkin' 'bout a sunny barbeque
I'm sitting in the Sheraton Gibson playin' my Gibson
And my mind is a Cleveland afternoon.
-Pete Townshend

Mum left today. It was a great trip. She told me yesterday; "I can see the attraction of living here." This was all i ever wanted to accomplish with this trip. I can't imagine any parent would be excited about their child living on a different continent. But sometimes that's the way the globe bounces.

Got my tickets to the Champions League 3rd round qualifier tomorrow night against the Greman side, Schalke '04. Yeah! But it will be a tough task as Atleti lost the 1st leg 1 - 0. They'll need to win by 2 goals. I saw Schalke's fan's all over town today.

Then i hung out at the pool with my friend Cara. Then i took a late siesta. Que bien!

Now I am taking care of the many logistics i could not complete in the US because of vendors with their heads up their ass - see: Lawyers, Accountants. Then Mets - Phillies at 1am.

Lastly, the last three nights of the Summer '08 in Moscow have been cancelled, basically because Russia sucks. The first reason is that the Ruskies haven't really grasped this capitalism concept and it was impossible to get a tourist visa. Secondly, the invasion of Georgia. I hate Atlanta, Ted Turner and the Braves, but this is just unacceptable.

But seriously, they need to get their missiles out of Georgia. I have a suggestion of you can put them, you hijo de Putin!

My apologies to all my fans in Moscow.

More Stories about Stuff

Grab yourself a can of Pork Soda
You'll be feeling just fine
Ain't nothin' quite like sittin' 'round the house
Swillin' down them cans of swine
-Primus


Lots of hours on the touring bus today, many hands
of cribbage outdoors, and Mum got to watch English Football
in an Irish Pub. It was lovely. 

After the Gold Rush

I pulled into the cactus tree motel
To shower off the dust
And I slept on the strange pillows of my wanderlust
I dreamed of 747s
Over geometric farms
Dreams, Amelia, dreams and false alarms
-Joni Mitchell

Mum and I went to the Rastro this morning, the twenty block flea market in the street every Sunday. It's like a Moroccan bizarre, except in the streets of Madrid.

We also took a bus tour and cruised a bit of the city. We sat up top and the sun was indescribably strong. Then we saw the Debod Temple, some Egyptian ruins Egypt gave Spain as a gift for helping to restore some ruins in Egypt. Then we saw the royal palace and cathedral. Then we sat on terrace overlooking the hillside playing cribbage and eating olives.

The USA basketball team won the Olympic gold over Spain, which went on at 8:30 am here. I watched it with Chema and Anita and then met Mom, who was watching it in the restaurant in the hotel. Many folks here were bent at the officiating, and it did look to me like that got every call. I know about these things; see Super Bowl XL: Pitt 21, Seattle 10.

And lets get the dope on the those pixies who won the gymnastics gold. I want to find the factory they were hatched in and get to the bottom of this.

So how do the closing ceremonies end? With a Chinese general hold a pistol to the head of a guy in a Coca-Cola can suit saying; "Me love you long time! When me done with you, you gonna say Bay - JING muther F*^ker!

The Olympics are a farce. Mom and I being tied in Cribbage going into the final day of the season; that's f@#king real, man. We split the North American leg at 3 - 3, and the European leg is deadlocked 4 -4. The World Cribbage Association(WCA) waits with bated breath.

holiday road

He said love them all
All that you need when your heart is small

-Big Country

Mum continues to follow me blindly, the poor woman. But we've had a blast. We've played it very much as we go, stopping for coffee/tea and playing cribbage when the urge hits us. Yesterday we were in Toledo, which was just fantastic (as I dragged her up and down hilly cobblestone streets!). Quite a good showing for woman of her wisdom (years).

The weather has been hot but dry so it's actually tolerable in the shade.

Nice to be with Mum in Europe for the first time at her given age. She encouraged me to travel when i was still in high school. I kind of took to it, i suppose.

Very trippy and surreal. Me and Mum in Madrid. It makes you think for a second, how the hell did that happen? But alack, life she takes strange turns at times. I guess the point is, whether your moving fast or slow, in style or in coach; try to enjoy the ride.

Except when you have a taxi driver who is muttering, "Hijo de puta...puta!" and driving like a maniac. At first i thought my sinuses where clogged, then i realized it was the g-force of our vehicle. Mum could see the speedometer and said he was going 140km. That's 87 mph down city streets!

Always an adventure when Mum and i join forces. Last year it was thieving seagulls on Ellis Island.


That which passes, passes like clouds
-King Crimson

European Vacation

And through the wire
we will walk
-Peter Gabriel


Adventures with Mum:

• Sat in Retiro Park
• Went to Plaza Mayor
• Had gambas con ajo in Sol outside
• Saw Picasso's Guernica and a funky AV exhibit at the Reina Sophia
• Cruised Chueca ( which is like Soho)
• Saw the Plaza de Toros in Ventas
• Went to Gran Via
• Had gazpacho and croquettas on a patio
• Went to Toledo (Toh ley doh, not the place in Ohio with the Mud Hens baseball team where Corporal Klinger was from)
• Mom turns to me and says "I like cock." Thankfully, she was reading off of a screen at the audio-visual art exhibit. There are lots of things i just don't like to think about. Call me an ostrich. I need to sleep at night.
  

Seriously

Just want you all to know that Mum and I are safe. We left Barajas long before that plane tried to take off. Absolutely tragic. Sadly, this is just another reason why i don't like to fly Spanish Airlines. You can't always trust them to be up on maintenance. Those poor people. We can only hope they weren't burned to death. Rest in peace.

It's terrifying to think i was there yesterday and again with Mum this morning.

Be well folks.

Road Tunes

The sea refuses no river
We're polluted now but in our hearts still clean
-Pete Townshend

Driving Music – Summer 2008 Tour - Heavy Rotation List

Best of Pete Townshend
“Tour of the Hemispheres” Bootleg – Rush
Snakes and Arrows - Rush
In My Tribe – 10,000 Maniacs
Zurich 6-30-80 – Led Zeppelin
Heavy ConstruKction – King Crimson
Obscured by Clouds – Pink Floyd
Dire Straits – Dire Straits

The Mom is coming tomorrow – no, today. It's 4:17 AM. I woke up at 2:00 after collapsing at 20:00. Got to leave here at 8:00.

It's good to be back.

Just a few highlights of Summer Tour 2008

Aug 14^th. King Crimson with Jimbo: A Tijuana Toro is tequila and Red Bull. Proceed at your own risk. I also may need to copyright this drink as it didn't come up on a Google search.

Jul 12^th Rush with the Seester, 25 years after our first time seeing them

Aug 16^th The Smith Brothers Bash. There were so many little people (34) it was like being on the set of the Lord of the Rings

Aug 7^th Sitting out the hail storm on the shoulder of route 8 with Mum (The sky is f*^king falling!)

Good night people!

19:44

Mum got here no problem. We walked around Sol and then went to the Reina Sophia Museum. The Mum's first time off the North American land mass – wow! Que bien!

The Long Walk Home

Except for the boy in the belfry
He's crazy, he's throwing himself
Down from the top of the tower
Like a hunchback in heaven
He's ringing the bells in the church
For the last half an hour
He sounds like he's missing something
Or someone that he knows he can't
Have now and if he isn't
I certainly am
-Suzanne Vega

16:34 Central European time, Martes 19 de Agosto

The Girl Next Seat

The first leg of the flight home was delightful! Who ever says that? I sat next to this total hottie, Leanne. She's half English, half Chinese and just smokin'. We started talking during the hour long taxi on the runway and then gabbed half the flight. She's studying to be a doctor and was in NYC doing an internship for Sloan Kettering. Just a friendly funny gal. And then i found out she was 20!

Bad El Dude. Muy Malo!

So i decided instead to just bang her intellectually. I can't explain exactly what happened, because i just don't rightly know. What i do know is that we talked about all sorts of craziness and she gave me a big hug and kiss as we parted. It was amazing, so much so that i needed to smoke a cigarette. So i bought a pack for like $25. I took 2 puffs outside and vomited. I'll never forget that gal.

Transatlantic Gothic

The flight from London to Madrid was awful. These two ancient folks sat next to me. The woman smelled unfresh, if you catch my drift. I caught hers and it was nauseating. Then I had to wander around the never-ending Barajas Airport, thinking Why did you leave the USA again you moron! After that I waited 45 minutes to get my luggage.

Then I left that horrible place and hit the Metro with all my bags. But it felt better.

And then I got home. And that felt great.

So here i am. Back home. With yet another story to tell.

He spoke of lands not far
Or lands they were in his mind.
Of fusion captured high
Where reason captured his time.
-Yes

From Whence I Came

The wind is in from Africa
Last night I couldn't sleep
Oh, you know it sure is hard to leave here Carey
But it's really not my home
My fingernails are filthy, I got beach tar on my feet
And I miss my clean white linen and my fancy French cologne
-Joni Mitchell

Miles driven in the Toyota: 2,878 in 36 days thru 10 states: MA, VT, RI, CT, NY, NJ, DE, MD, VA, DC

Baseball games:

• Mets at Shea
  
• Brewster (Cape Cod League)
  
• Bridgeport Bluefish (rainout)

Concerts:

• Rush in NJ,
  
• King Crimson in NYC

Kayaking:

• Bay, Jersey Shore
• Bay, Cape Cod
• Lake, MD
• Lake, CT

Brain cells killed or maimed - countless

Thanks to all the folks who fed and housed me:

Mum, Seester, Kev and Heather. Pat and Laura, Mike and Mima, Jim and Lisa, Tripp and Christa, Bryan and Rebecca. I was also down the shore with Mel and at the Rage in VT, so i stayed in 10 different places.

I'm exhausted. I need a vacation from my vacation.

Lately it occurs to me
what a long, strange trip its been.
-Grateful Dead

All over the East

I hear the train a comin'
It's rolling round the bend
And I ain't seen the sunshine since, I don't know when,
stuck with the Olsen sisters, and time keeps draggin' on
But that train keeps a rollin', calling me back home

When I was just a baby my mama told me. Son,
Always be a good Jay, don't ever play with guns.
So I yelled at Al Pacino, just to watch him cry
When I hear that whistle blowing, it's off to Spain i fly....
-Johnny Cash (as interpreted by El Dude)

Washington DC - Jersey Shore - Just where the hell am I? I got a physical yesterday where i was poked and prodded. Apart from the spare tire i carry above my balls (I am driving a lot!) the doc said i appear quite healthy. They then took enough blood for Picaso to start his red period.

Down the shore here with the Seester and the sun is shining. Fish are jumping and the cotton is high. The Toyota rolled past 2500 miles for the trip since Jul 12. Damn! Tomorrow - back to Ansonia and then down to NYC to see King Crimson with Jimbo - booh yeah!

got fuel to burn, got roads to drive
keep on rockin' in the free world
-Neil Young

A Clever Forgery

photo: King Juan Carlos changed to Homer Simpson on 1 Euro coin, made in Spain

Thanks to little Lisa Sheridan who sent this one in as proof that I live in Spain!

Life in MD is great! We went for a three person Canoe ride on this lake and then i cooked steaks, Mexican corn and baby artichokes on the grill. Bryan made fresh mozzarella. Delicious!


That which passes, passes like clouds
-King Crimson

Highway star

Nobody gonna take my car
I'm gonna race it to the ground
Nobody gonna beat my car
It's gonna break the speed of sound
Oooh, it's a killing machine
It's got everything
Like driving power, big fat tyres
And everything
-Deep Purple

Broke 2400 miles as i arrived in Rockville, MD to Bryan and Rebecca's. Madness. Still over a week to go.

Contest! - Guess The Spanish Exile's final mileage and win a cheesy Madrid collector's plate.
Please send all guesses to krcfjg333@gmail.com. All entries must be received by 12am on August 16th. Void where prohibited. No purchase necessary.

Mother and Child Reunion, part 1

Twas the best baseball game i never saw! Mum and i attempted to go to a Bridgeport Bluefish game last night but it was rained out. It didn't matter - we had a blast, chilling in the Harbor Club. On the way there, the hail was the size of marbles and quarters! It was devastating. It may as well been frogs (tastes like chicken!). We had to pull over. It was hitting the van so hard Mum and i couldn't even speak.

So here's the deal - it's time to show Mother Nature who her Daddy is. Hail, earthquakes, tsunamis... Fuck that! You work for us, Planet Earth. And you've got some gall! You better just simmer down or we'll drill your ass for oil until you look like a shower scrunchie! Just look at Beijing. You want some more of that, bitch?

I didn't think so. So you better just fall back in line before we strip mine your ass!

Tales from America

Cape Cod is lovely this time of year. I love the cape. Next place i live needs to have some F*#king water. Southern Japan, perhaps.

Stories from the dashboard of America:

1. A friend of a friend was being tested for sleep apnea. They wake you up all night and monitor you. The next morning he went to leave and they told him 'no'. He said he had to go to work. They let him go. He fell asleep at the wheel and died. The hospital then went bankrupt so his widow can't sue but i imagined they made him sign himself out, which would dissolve all culpability.

Talk about F@*king irony! His poor widow. And maybe his kids. I never asked.

2. Bank of America keeps sending me mail to get me to sign up for services and credit cards. I'm not happy with the services i have now! Don't they read many sprawling ranting emails where i say the chairman's wife is crackwhore and the chairman is a cannibal? Both with lamb porn on the hard drive of their computers?

3. Brian Hirsch, the most incompetent lawyer in VA history (which is really a f$!cking statement) says i owe him $1,700. Now i have never received an itemized bill from him - just past due notices sent to my old address in McLean! I have not lived there for 18 months and he the Seester's address. I gave it to him the day we met. And people wonder why the economy blows!

Incompetence and indifferance
-Adrian Belew

4. A gallon of gas in Rhode Island is, 93 Octane, is $3.99! I was thinking about moving there until i saw bill boards saying that Ryan Seacrest has a local radio show.

5. The Toyota tripped 2,000 miles for this visit yesterday, 10 states. The northern tour is over. The last southern dates are this weekend. The last week is Mid-Atlantic, including CT, the red headed step child of New England.

Days of barefoot freedom

Look at you guys
have you no shame?
You give poop
a bad name

Crawl back in the butt
from whence you came
You give poop
a bad name
-Bon Jovi (as interpretted by Triumph the Insult Comic Dog)

Where am I?

Are you still here?

Damn. So much longer than i ever can have imagined.

Can you believe we've been doing this for a year and a half? Where does the time go?

I am happy to have you all here with me, my friends. And i am glad to be amongst ye this summer.

And now, wondrous stories from the third leg of the Summer 2008 New England kicks the Crap out of the Old One Tour:

-Tripp is ripped. He has muscles made of titanium. He has become a health nut and actually works out swinging a 35 pound metal ball over his head.
-Kate Tyner is doing so well. She laughed her ass off at me when i walked into the living room (after i woke up) with my hair flying in an obligatory Hendrix perm. She rocks.
-Alex Tyner (4) and I have the same haircut. She rocks too.
-I scored tickets to go see King Crimson next week with Jimbo.
-I've been to 9 states this trip.
-America is the land of choice.
-Colin, Kevin and I played hardball last Thursday and my arms ached the next day from pitching, hitting, fielding.
-I will be hosting MSNBC's Hardball November 3-7.
-Kayaking is one of the coolest things i have ever done. Bending nature to your will, without leaving any lasting carbon foot print, rocks.
-Jim and I have more Wayward Platypus songs than I ever realized. It felt great having 3 albums of music to play in VT.
-Maggie Sheridan (7) asked me if she could call me Moe on Sunday. I said "sure." I believe it came about from her hearing Jim call me Jaybo.

Everything, all the time...
-The Eagles

You can get anything you want
at Alice's restaurant
-Arlo Guthrie

Boy of Summer

You can use that towel, but it's Emma's, so just don't get your man stank on it.
-Maggie Sheridan

More Tour Dates

Jul 27 - 29 Ansonia CT
Jul 30, 31 - Wilton CT
New Milford NJ - Aug 1,2
Sandy Hook CT - Aug 3
Dennis MA - Aug 4, 5
Ansonia, CT Aug 6
Rockville, MD - Aug 8-11
Ocean Beach, NJ - Aug 12 - 13

I am on Cape Cod with Tripp and family. Today I Kayaked in the Bay and then Tripp and I took Alex to her first baseball game. It was a Cape Cod League game. The Brewster Whitecaps lost to Bourne. So it goes. At least Freddy Prince Jr. and the guy who plays Shaggy weren't there. But i could have lived with seeing Jessica Biel. Even the Shaggy guy's not so bad.

Fall is in the air up here. Beautiful 79 degree days. Cool nights.

Miles driven in Toyota - 1,850
Mets games lost in last week - 5
Days until i return to Madrid - 13
Accountants I need to yell at about completing my taxes - 1
Miles to drive tomorrow - 189