The Talking Ass

News of the World

Mum won the European leg of Cribbage by one game (after i misdealt!) making her the 2008 World Champion. I'll be back in '09!

I have some kind of running belly thing (Jamaica speak) that at first i thought was just too much gazpacho (garlic, tomato, olive oil) but has been with me for two days. I know not what it is, but call it the talking ass. I have be drinking electrolyte solution for two days (tastes like electro – shite). Thank god i don't need to be anywhere.

Luckily I got some Loperamida (the main ingredient in Imodium) before i went to the game. The LAST place you want to be with the talking ass is a football stadium, but Vincente Calderon doesn't even have toilet seats, just a porcelain mouth leading down to China. This makes it very difficult to tar the Chairman's roof.

The bad thing was my hot little pharmacist was there. Ugh! I discreetly told her what I needed in Spanish.

She shouted back “Si por Diarrhea !”They use the same word in Spanish.

But the game was great and my bowels survived. The draw for the group stage is tonight at 18:00.

Still i have no appetite, so I drink the electro – shite. It's been a long strange 7 weeks, so i'm not surprised i finally caught a bug with all my travels. If you count flights and driving in the Toyota, I did just under 12,000 miles.

Bowels, I hear you calling
- Kiss, as interpreted by El Dude