Counterstrike

(This is what it sounds like when Darth's cry)

IN A STUNNING TURN OF EVENTS, THE REBELLION HAS STAGED ONE LAST OFFENSIVE ON WHAT IS NORMALLY THE ANDALUCIAN CEASE FIRE HOLIDAY OF “TIT.” THE TIT OFFENSIVE, AS IT WILL BE FOREVER KNOWN, HAS PUSHED THE EMPIRE TO THE BRINK. ALL THE STOPS WERE PULLED OUT; KAMIKAZE BOOBY-TRAPPED EWOKS, DROIDS THAT GAVE INCORRECT INFO, BANTHAS THAT WERE GIVEN ENOUGH OATMEAL TIL THEY SHIT A RIVER. THE CANTINA AT MOS EISLEY WAS TURNED INTO A BINGO PARLOR. JABBA THE HUTT WAS FORCED TO SING 'CABARET' IN A GIRDLE. THE EMPEROR WAS CAUGHT ON HOLOGRAM SMOKING CRACK WITH 3 PUTAS. THUSLY, THE EMPIRE HAS SUED FOR PEACE AND THE REBEL ALLIANCE HAS AGREED TO FAVORABLE TERMS. A HOPEFUL GALAXY AWAITS AN END TO THIS LONG DESTRUCTIVE CONFLICT...

BUT SOMEHOW, THE EMPIRE NEVER SEEMS TO FALL....

drop the leash
drop the leash
get outta my fucking face
-Pearl Jam

Fire in the hole!

Come and join the party
Dress to kill
Won't you come and join the party
Dress to kill
Dress to kill.
-The Who

Thanksgiving, part II

Kristen and Sydney cooked their asses off on Saturday. They made 2 turkeys, yams with marshmallow, cauliflower, broccoli, Spanish tortilla, etc. There were no less than 30 people in and out over the course of the night. When the pavo (turkey) finally came out, it just sat there uncarved. “Do you want me to carve it?” I asked Kristen.

“Oh my god, Jay! Can you? I was wondering who the fuck was going to do it.”

And thus, my special purpose is revealed. I have been carving turkeys since i was 14 (i believe Mum taught me how). So the Grinch himself carved the Roast Beast. It was incredibly moist but seemed to have more bones than the ones i carve in America, so there was more breaking and snapping than normal. I think we get ones that are a little more cleaned up in the US.

A funny thing happened on the way to the table...
It was after dinner. Maria and I were talking about me trying to find people to jam with. She said she could sing.

“Really?”

“No but I've been on stage twice.”

“Singing?”

“No. Theater.”

“What did you play?”

(At this moment the music on Sydney's iPod fades) “I was a prostitute once....” is shouted across the room. Raised eyebrows go up next to us.

“That's what we thought,” says Sarah's boyfriend next to us. We laughed and laughed.

A funny thing happened on the way to the bathroom...

There was a line for the bathroom. It was Sarah's birthday (a different one than previously mentioned – there are like 4 American Sarahs . She was 24. She was fussing about something and Maria, a little drunk and a lot worn out from so many different English speakers, says “You don't look 44!”

Kristen guffaws and buckles over. Sarah mocks hurt but understands it's just a mistake. But la Profesora is quick and to cover herself says “Sorry. I was looking at jay and thought....”

“Whoa!” screams Kristen. Now the entire hallway is laughing their faces off.
“Mi Corazon es roto! (My heart is broken)” i yell.

Later Kristen says to me, “She is funny, and quick!”

“Kristen, she is so funny in English, I can't even imagine how fucking funny she is in Spanish.”

I hope to know someday.

Sometimes swirling waters drag you down
Knowing how to swim doesn't mean you'll never drown
Come the storm you hold in fear
Whoever's by your side
Sometimes you're just drifting on the tide
Dive into me, into the raging sea
Follow your heart, down where it's deep and it's dark
Dive into me, into the healing sea
Put your life into my hands and take the chance
Dive into me
-Big Country

Nov 27
We said we'd all go down together
-Billy Joel

I am weary. So much war and bloodshed with the Empire. The peace process drags on. The losses on both sides are catastrophic. 13 months of battle later i have lost my taste for this game. But i shall see it to the last, like Macbeth.

Live free or die
-New Hampshire license plate.

Another ludicrous offer from Darth. Another fuck up by my lawyer. The Empire counter offered on the 21st and i only got it today when I followed up because they used jay@momentumconsult.com when I informed them i changed it months ago (Brian gave it to an assistant and my file was never updated.

We said we'd all go down in leather
-El Dude

It's hard to remember not being in the process of getting divorced. Nunca mas (Never again) am i getting married. Only i have a kid with some women. Once you have a kid, getting married is like peeing in the neighbor's birdbath after you've banged his wife.

We said we'd all go down on Heather
-El Dude

Fucking Lunes...

I hear the horses' thunder
Down in the valley below,
I'm waiting for the angels of Avalon,
Waiting for the eastern glow.
-Led Zeppelin

Some things never change. And sometimes, not always, Mondays blow chunks no matter where you live. Be it Monday, Lunes, or otherwise, this is a basic principle of the universe. The exception is when you have a full week off from work, and then Monday is the best day because you have your whole vacation in front of you.

Just normal Lunes shit- trouble with the Metro, the Islamic women wrapped up like a fucking Christmas present trying to overcharge me for Internet usage at this locutorio, and the old fucking coot at the bar saying he didn´t understand me when i asked for a bottle of water in crystaline clear Spainish that rang through the bar like a bell. Fuckers!

And then there´s health insurance, the bane of my existence. Because i need 7 different 8 digit numbers to sign in (which were in NJ) i finally just got in- and they MAIL you your password to fill prescriptions! Sweet Yoda´s ears! Why not just send it by owl like Harry Potter!

And i wait for news from the Sith. This should be the week where this all ends or it drags on interminably forever. Things have be deathly quiet.

Otherwise things are kick ass. It was great weekend - i´ll tell you more about Thnksgiving, part 2 - later. I also saw Altletico Madrid beat Valloladid (Va ya la deed) 4-3 in a crazy game where Atletico kept coming back and then won in the 91st minute on an own goal!

I will try and rest the next few days as I teach in Avila next weekend and the Martian (my Buddy Martin) comes in from Coppenhagen for the weekend.

The pain of war cannot exceed
The woe of aftermath,
The drums will shake the castle wall,
The ringwraiths ride in black,
Ride on.
-Led Zeppelin

THE SPANISH EXILE: Season 2 – “THE THANKSGIVING EPISODE”

Thanksgiving Day

It began somehow with eating hotdogs. I had some classes canceled and it threw my day into a spindrift. I missed lunch and upon arriving in Getafe at 18:30, i saw a place i had passed several times selling hotdogs. You never see this in Spain. So i go in and order a Manhattan: a hotdog with ketchup, mustard, sweet onions, peppers and (the obligatory) bacon. It was awesome! I ordered another.

Maria rang and we talked mostly in English, and the guy behind the counter looked over. The synapses then fired in his head and he realized I was American. Afterwards, he said in Spanish: “Did you like it?”

I told him “yes” that it was delicious. Man, was he psyched! I have take Maria there sometime. Maybe i can get an endorsement deal! El Dude here. When I'm in Getafe, I always stop in to (whatever the hell their name was). Joder! I'm mean it's a hotdog with bacon!

The place had a picture of Muhamed Ali standing over a prone Sonny Listen. A cheap prefab pic of the Big Unit in pinstripes. One also of Carlos Beltran. It was a little slice of New York, no matter how cheesy. No place looks like that here.

The only thing that was disturbing was these fat heated metal spikes that they toasted hotdog rolls on before they gave it to you. They looked like something THE GIMP would have had in PULP FICTION II.

I met Maria and we went to the store, She was all geeked up about her first Thanksgiving. But the store we always go to HAD JUST changed its name, and people were there in droves. It was like how the stores back home would have been on Wed. You would have thought they were giving out free whole Serano hams that feed a bar for three days. So, it kind of took forever and the best thing thing i could find was a pork loin. “Why not?” I thought. “That's holiday dinner material.”

We waited in a line four times longer than I've ever seen. When we got home, we found out what the giveaway was: a mazana (apple) in a cardboard box that said “Gracias!” Maria and I almost shat ourselves. We laughed for 5 minutes.

So we fired up the electric (don't whizz on the electric fence) oven and played the waiting game. Then I got the Packers – Lions game on audio from NFL.com. I also used the Gameday tracker that gives you all the game graphics. Maria's never seen a football game. I explained but it was next to impossible for her to envision. I got a little game video replay, but that was it. But we ate olives and drank a rioja and had fun.

Then per the instructions, we poured alcohol over the pork loin – or ham loin, whatever it was. We didn't have cognac so we poured some cheap scotch over it that she had laying around. 1:45 later it was done. I served it with fresh bread, and artichokes i had wokked in garlic and olive oil. It was delicious.

The music we had on was a mix i had made for her. So much for a romantic dinner! As we sat down, on came Nick Cave's epic; Stagger Lee.

It was back in '32 when times were hard
He had a Colt .45 and a deck of cards
Stagger Lee
He wore rat-drawn shoes and an old stetson hat
Had a '28 Ford, had payments on that
Stagger Lee
His woman threw him out in the ice and snow
And told him, "Never ever come back no more"
Stagger Lee
So he walked through the rain and he walked through the mud
Till he came to a place called The Bucket Of Blood
Stagger Lee
He said "Mr Motherfucker, you know who I am"
The barkeeper said, "No, and I don't give a good goddamn"
To Stagger Lee
He said, "Well bartender, it's plain to see
I'm that bad motherfucker called Stagger Lee"
Mr. Stagger Lee
Barkeep said, "Yeah, I've heard your name down the way
And I kick motherfucking asses like you every day"
Mr Stagger Lee
Well those were the last words that the barkeep said
'Cause Stag put four holes in his motherfucking head
Just then in came a broad called Nellie Brown
Was known to make more money than any bitch in town
She struts across the bar, hitching up her skirt
Over to Stagger Lee, she starts to flirt
With Stagger Lee
She saw the barkeep, said, "O God, he can't be dead!"
Stag said, "Well, just count the holes in the motherfucker's head"
She said, "You ain't look like you scored in quite a time.
Why not come to my pad? It won't cost you a dime"
Mr. Stagger Lee
"But there's something I have to say before you begin
You'll have to be gone before my man Billy Dilly comes in,
Mr. Stagger Lee"
"I'll stay here till Billy comes in, till time comes to pass
And furthermore I'll fuck Billy in his motherfucking ass"
Said Stagger Lee
"I'm a bad motherfucker, don't you know
And I'll crawl over fifty good pussies just to get one fat boy's asshole"
Said Stagger Lee
Just then Billy Dilly rolls in and he says, "You must be
That bad motherfucker called Stagger Lee"
Stagger Lee
"Yeah, I'm Stagger Lee and you better get down on your knees
And suck my dick, because If you don't you're gonna be dead"
Said Stagger Lee
Billy dropped down and slobbered on his head
And Stag filled him full of lead
Oh yeah.
Well, the Devil came in he said I've come to take you down
Stagger Lee
Well, the Devil came in he said I've come to take you down
Stagger Lee
Well, the Devil came in he said I've come to take you down
Stagger Lee
Well those were the last words that the Devil said
'Cause Stag put four holes in his motherfucking head

"Such nice music you play me!" she said. We laughed and laughed.

Then more eating and a second bottle of wine. It was just great. It was unlike any other Thanksgiving but just as nice. Then it was time for dessert (M and M's) and the whip and some innovative use of a wooden chair.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING CHARLIE BROWN!!!!!!

Gracias.....

Little drops of rain whisper of the pain,
tears of loves lost in the days gone by.
My love is strong, with you there is no wrong,
-Led Zeppelin

Of course I am Thankful for my family, friends, La Profesora and health. These are givens. But i also wanted to make a list. In addition i am thankful for;

• My new boxers
• hot water in my flat
• the revival of progressive rock in 2007
• the Atlantic Ocean (because it lies between me and Darth)
• women
• whips
• bandages and rubbing alcohol
• heat (Maria´s house has almost none)
• getting paid when students don´t show
• student´s not showing up!
• that I am not an Epsilon Minus semi-moron from Scotland who owns a language school
• Spain qualifying for the Euro 2008 Final in June
• Pete Townshend playing electric guitar again
• shampoo and conditioner in one bottle
• Instant messenger
• that i don´t understand conversations around me on the metro unless i really try

No transmission from the Dark Side. All is eerily quiet. The Alliance braces itself for the final conflict.

Why don´t you take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut?
Why don´t you take a flying fuck at the mooooooooooooooooooooooooooon?
-Kurt Vonnegut

On Holidays...

The Creator had a master tape
but he left it in a car
-Porcupine Tree

No Franco Sense
Today is the anniversary of Franco's death. Every year there are parades for him. Some are old geezers who know nothing else and some are neo-Nazi's. There's actually been a lot of posters around for the National Front: a Nazi-like, KKK like org that i believe has it's roots in Egland (some football hooligans are in the national front). Anyway, a pro-left person was killed by a Francoist in Sol (Mel and JJ know it) here in Madrid last week. He was 26 and stabbed to death. The details are still quite sketchy, but there was a riot after. I never saw it even though i went through the area last Sunday, which was when it took place.

Fuck the facists. Fuck Franco. Long live freedom! We've only got about 75 years left before half the planet's population dies from an ecological shit storm anyway!

Acion de Gracias
That's what they call Thanksgiving, which is not celebrated here at all and for the first time in my life – i will work! No biggie.

Thanks all of you who have sent Happy Thanksgiving e-mails!

Teaching goes well. Maria is well. All is well.

Thanks also to our Rebel outposts in NJ and Seoul. The Rebellion grows. The Republic will rise and the Empire will fall. It is the way of things.

I am watching INTERMDIO; the Spanish equivalent of the Daily Show. They are roasting Franco a bit- and you get to vote through your mobile if Franco was BUENO: and they show him with a picture of Groucho Marx and others or MALO: and they show him with in picture of Hitler and others.

Now they are asking people on the street what they are thankful for: I guess a nod to Thanksgiving.

Seeing and Believing

Concrete shoes, cyanide, TNT
(Done dirt cheap)
Neck ties, contracts, high voltage
(Done dirt cheap)
-AC/DC

Okay- Got a room-mate: Nikos- very nice guy my age from Greece. Just moved in.

Segovia was great- specially the Roman Aqueduct. There were 3 teachers and 6 students: They were all from the Prado museum. They were very interesting and intelligent folks.

No word out of DC- except that the Empire is claiming it never got our last proposal- which even my dumb ass lawyer says is bullshit. Something is brewing. I feel uneasy. I feel a terrible disturbance in the force. This is a smokescreen to divert my attention from what i should really be looking at. I can't see it. But I believe. This is the final STAND. In the next two weeks, this destructive conflict should come to a decision.

The evil that men do
goes on and on
-Iron Maiden

Progress

why don't you take a flying fuck at a rolling dounut
why don't you take a flying fuck at the moooooooooooooooooooooooooon!
-Kurt Vonnegut

THE BATTLE RAGES ON, WITH THE EMPIRE DESPERATE WHILE THE REBELS PRESS THEIR ADVANTAGE. THE REBELS HAVE TAKEN TATOOINE AND TURNED IT INTO A LANDFILL. DAGOBA IS BEING DEFORESTED TO RAISE BEEF FOR HAMBURGERS. AH... PROGRESS!

As the battle rages, i am sad that it has come to this. I hold none of the bloodlust that kept me so warm all the years thru my youth. I have fought these instincts so long... and I was sad they had to be reawakened for this final showdown with the Empire. I find no fucking joy in it- but fight i shall. Mercilessly, ceaselessly, until there is a just peace. Then I will be sooooooooooooooo happy to going back to be a tree-hugging hippie.

We shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be,
we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds,
we shall fight in the fields and in the streets,
we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.
Winston Churchill

...priceless

There's a starman waiting in the sky
He'd like to come and meet us
But he thinks he'd blow our minds
There's a starman waiting in the sky
He's told us not to blow it
Cause he knows it's all worthwhile
He told me:
Let the children lose it
Let the children use it
Let all the children boogie

-David Bowie

Here's the Mum and the Seester in Seattle in their glory. I'm so proud to be born to a fambly where our mum still dresses in warpaint.

I'm not sure anything i can say can rival this pic. A picture is 1,000 words. How am i suppose to compete with that shit?

Here's my best shot- I'm eating tortellini stuffed with Seranno ham in a aji olia (acite de oliva con ajo: in espanol){olive oil and garlic en ingles}.

2^nd shot: Maria sent me a text message today quoting from a Marillion song from the last album- how hot is this chick!!!!

3^rd shot: I taught the yung'ins today and little 9 year old Alex (Alejandro), who i always give a high five in greeting, returned the five and then gave me a beso (kiss) on the cheek, a very male and affectionate thing here. I love teaching the kids. I don't think i could do it full time, but the hour a week i teach is a joy.

Well spank my ass;

• Yesterday was Martes Trece, Tuesday the 13^th, which is equivalent to Friday the 13^th (parts 4 thru 19). It proved to be bad luck for La Profesora as her company was crushed by a computer virus

No – fuck it, I can't top the picture of Mum with her face painted blue and green. She's the balls.

Last shot-

Maria
You've gotta see her
Go insane and out of your mind
Latina
Ave Maria
A million and one candlelight’s
-Blondie

Crocodile Rock

"Man's greatest joy is to crush his enemies and have them flee before him...”
-Ghengis Khan

Still silent on the Eastern American Front. The Empire is either regrouping. Or in tatters.

In the West, the Seester and Mum prepare to return from Seattle after the Seahawks administer a 24 – 0 ass whipping to the 49ers!

Did you know that:

• Virtually everyone in Spain drives a standard transmission. Automatics are very rare.

• Lesbians keep calling me asking to share one room and one bed in my flat (the second pair emailed today). We all know I'm gay friendly, but come on. How many times can i say no? Two 21 year old Canadian girls. Yeesch!

• La Liga Football has been fantastic this year with lots of scoring and lead changes.
  
  

• I have decided to name my flat La Villa Strangiato
  

• Things I've taught in class:

  • Rush Lyrics to Time Stand Still, Red Barchetta and Between the Wheels.

  • FIFA's marketing of football in the USA, starting with the '94 World Cup.

  • The reversal of economic fortunes (and immigration) between Norway and Sweden.

  • The infrastructure needed to prepare Brazil for the 2014 World Cup (Probably about $5 billion).

  • Television premiers going global to stop piracy.

  • As well as prepositions, adverbs, adjectives and uncountable nouns – yee hoo!

An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.
-Winston Churchill

CRACK THAT WHIP!

If you think I'll sit around as the world goes by
You're thinkin' like a fool 'cause it's a case of do or die.
Out there is a fortune waitin' to be had
If you think I'll let it go you're mad
You've got another think comin'.
-Judas Priest

Still no news on the American front. It is quiet in the east, while the Seester and Mum prepare for the Seahawks game in the west. I expect to hear from the Empire tonight or tomorrow, after it has consulted its Sith Lawyers. Now we play the waiting game...

Aw...the waiting game sucks. Let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos!

-Homer Simpson

Two people actually showed up to see the flat yesterday, two women. One was a gal from Dublin, who seemed a little off, the other was a lunatic from Belgium who scared the shit out of me. She was a nervous wreck. I've seen scared cats that were calmer. Not sure if I'll call the Irish bird back or not.

Then a gal called who wanted to share her room and bed with another gal. Sweet Baby Jar Jar Binks! Don't start, foul temptress! The bed is not big enough for two and the apartment is not big enough for three. But ooh the possibilities!

Get ye to a nunnery!
-Hamlet

Spank my ass and call me Gwen!
-El Dude

I have a new dishwasher. New Washing machine today and fix the hot water on Miercoles. I bought a humidifier but it fucking leaks – i'll return that today.

And an hour before the Irish bird showed up yesterday, I lost all water in the flat. A water main broke, so I couldn't shower after coming back from Getafe earlier that afternoon. Then the water ran brown. Now it is better. Anyway, both gals who came to look at the flat had to listen to crunching blacktop and squealing machinery as they tried to fix it. Now the street's dug up like the French front in World War I. It's always something.

Twas a glorious weekend with La Profesora. We chilled on Viernes and then on Sabado shopped a bit and went out for beers and pizza. The only two purchases were a new wallet for me a whip for her. Que Bueno! It's not too big and doesn't really hurt that much – and the things she can do with it! Astounding!

So i need to get a new phone (no one can hear me on mine) and change carriers. I change to Movistar: which most people have and will be cheaper. I can't get a monthly contract (cheaper still) because I am an illegal alien.

And then i'll place more ads and keep looking for the right flatmate. I may have my life sorted by the middle of December, and then I'll leave for the US for holiday.

You move me ---
You move me ---
With your buildings and your eyes
Autumn woods and winter skies
You move me ---
You move me ---
Open sea and city lights
Busy streets and dizzy heights
You call me ---
You call me ---

Too many hands on my time
Too many feelings ---
Too many things on my mind
When I leave I dont know
What Im hoping to find
When I leave I dont know
What Im leaving behind...
-Rush

Hammer of the Gods

We come from the land of the ice and snow, from the midnight sun where the hot springs blow.
How soft your fields so green,
Can whisper tales of gore,
Of how we calmed the tides of war.
We are your overlords.
-Led Zeppelin


Domingo 12:23

THE WINDS OF CHANGE SWEEP ACROSS THE GALAXY. EVEN AS NEGOTIATIONS CONTINUE, THE REBEL ALLIANCE PRESSES IT´S ADVANTAGE IN AN UNHOLY RAGE, SCREAMING FOR VENEGEANCE. ALTHOUGH THE REBELS APPEAR TO BE IN A STRONG TACTICAL POSITION, ONE SHOULD NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE DARK AND GNARLEY POWERS OF THE SITH. EVEN STILL, IT APPEARS AN OUTCOME, WHATEVER IT MAY BE, IS IMMINENT. ALSO, THE ALLIANCE HAS JUST FINISHED A DARING RAID, SECURING THE ICE PLANET HOTH AS A PLACE TO STORE CERVEZA. ONWARD REBEL SOLDIER...!

On we sweep with threshing oar,
Our only goal will be the western shore.
So now you'd better stop and rebuild all your ruins,
For peace and trust can win the day Despite of all your losing.
-Led Zeppelin

it's no game...

If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.- Sun Tzu

Go fuck yourself, and your goldfish.-El Dude

Jueves 19:30
Holiday!
I need one. Moving is a bitch baby. But I'm quite excited. Tonight i show the flat to two folks. Two other people called to see it the past two days and never showed. Renting a flat in Madrid (on both sides) is one of most surreal experiences ever.

I am barred from the event
I really don't understand the situation
So where's the moral
People have their fingers broken
To be insulted by these fascists it's so degrading
And it's no game
-David Bowie

I don't usually work on Viernes, but it's nice everyone else is off too. In 20 minutos i talk to my douche bag, carpetbagging, ratbag lawyer. He contacted me after some surly emails. He better fucking explain himself before Bobba Fett disintegrates his ass.

The holiday tomorrow is about the Virgin of Madrid (forget her name: probably Pilar or Maria). When the Moors invaded (or one of the times) this castle in Madrid hid a statue of the Virgin in the wall. Decades and decades later, when the Moors left, they prayed to find it and the wall fell down, exposing the virgin. Probably a crock of shit, but it's a day off. I will enjoy this weekend because i work next weekend in Segovia. I can't wait to see the Roman Aqueduct.

Mel got tickets to the Seahawks – 49ers game in Seattle on Monday night and is taking Mum. How cool is that? The Seester wanted me to go, but tis way too far <9>. I know they will have a blast!!!!!

Otherwise, all is well. I'm a teacher and I live in Madrid and have a cool Spanish girlfriend. I mean, what the fuck do I really want from my life???

19:50
The End of All Things
Time to head to the locotorio to call. Oh Brian, you better have a good fucking answer for me or your ass is grass. Dare I live out the American dream and kill my own lawyer?

If you're gonna die
die with your boots on
-Iron Maiden

20:37

IT APPEARS AS IF AGREEMENT WILL BE REACHED. IT ALSO APPEARS THAT MY LAWYER IS JUST A LAZY PIECE OF SHIT, WITH EXCUSES COMING OUT HIS EARS. I AM NOT REMOVING THE BOUNTY FROM HIS HEAD, EVEN AFTER THIS IS DONE.

I slept with the heat on last night, very low, and my sinuses are still dryer than Las Vegas, so I bought a humidifier today. Isn't this blog just spellbinding? So fucking interesting!!!!!!

Okay – time to make sure I have all the dead Cucharachas picked up before the renters come. I never them alive; just dead (or dying). They must have sprayed before i moved in. Whatever – once I was cooking on the burner at Maria's and a cucharacha the size of my nose ran across the stove – and i could smell that i had burned him! Welcome to Madrid.

Children round the world,
put camel shit on the walls
They're making carpets on treadmills,
or garbage sorting
and it's no game
-David Bowie

23:06
Neither person showed up tonight. That's 4 for 4. What the hell is wrong with these people? Fuck it – i'm going to bed. It's been a long day for an old man like me.

Viernes
13:43
Ugh!!! The guy who was coming to see the apartment got lost, but I didn't get the phone call and it hit my vm at 2 am!!!!!! The gods conspire against me, but I am a reed in the wind that bends but does not break.

Time to finish the last wave of cleaning. Then off to Getafe.

Put a bullet in my brain,
and it makes all the papers
And it's no game
-David Bowie

A Second Front Opens

Bus stop rot bag, ha ha charade you are.
You fucked up old hag, ha ha charade you are.
You radiate cold shafts of broken glass.
You're nearly a good laugh,
Almost worth a quick grin.
You like the feel of steel,
You're hot stuff with a hatpin,
And good fun with a hand gun.
You're nearly a laugh,
You're nearly a laugh
But you're really a cry.
-Pink Floyd

THE REBELLION CONTINUES TO PUMMEL AWAY AT THE EMPIRE AND PROGRESS IS BEING MADE. SEVERAL STAR DESTROYERS HAVE BEEN HEAVILY DAMAGED AND THE EMPERORS WARM MILK HAS BEEN PISSED IN. HELL, THE REBELS EVEN SOLD SOME EWOKS INTO SLAVERY IN THE SPICE MINES OF KESEL, JUST FOR KICKS. BUT NEW ENEMIES OF THE REBELLION CONTINUE TO POP UP AND THE REBELLION HAS PUT A BOUNTY OF 9,000,000 CREDITS ON THE HEAD OF ESQUIRE BRIAN HIRSCH, RESTON, VIRGINIA. EVEN THE HUTTS WILL GET IN ON THIS ONE.

For some inexplicable reason, my lawyer told Darth´s lawyer we are far apart and should only speak through them. So now i have a call into this moron and several emails - we are up against a big case for Darth´s lawyer and need to get it done this week. And getting a new lawyer at this point just delays things further. It never ends.

Oh and it never rains around here
it just comes pouring down.
-Dire Straits

Only C0ming Thru in Waves

(This was written on Martes (tues.) but never got posted because of my pirated Internet)

It is a good day to die.
-Mr. Worf, Star Trek: The Next Generation

Quick to judge,
Quick to anger,
Slow to understand
Ignorance and prejudice
And fear walk hand in hand
-Rush

SECRET NEGOTIATIONS BETWEEN THE EMPIRE AND THE REBELLION CONTINUE. IT APPEARS AN AGREEMENT IS WITHIN REACH BUT WE ALL KNOW THAT THE EMPEROR IS A LYING SACK OF SHIT. ALSO, EL DUDE'S LAWYER HAS DISAPPEARED, QUITE POSSIBLY KIDNAPPED BY THE MINIONS OF THE EMPIRE TO STALL NEGOTIATIONS. THE FUCKER BETTER BE DEAD, BECAUSE IF NOT I WILL KILL HIM SLOWLY WITH A CORKSCREW AND AN ONION.

When you add it all up
The tears and the marrowbone
There's an ounce of gold
And an ounce of pride in each ledger
And the Germans kill the Jews
And the Jews kill the Arabs
And the Arabs kill the hostages
And that is the news
And is it any wonder that
the monkey's confused
He said “Mama, the President's a fool
Why do I have to keep reading
these technical manuals?”
-Roger Waters

Work is fine. The flat is excellent. Perchance to dream I may be divorced soon? Now that would be something to truly give thanks for. But I'm not getting my hopes up. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, well you can go smoke a turd in hell.

In the interim, the rebellion continues to press on, showing no mercy and giving no quarter. It's victory or bust now. The ships that carried us here were burned when we arrived. There's no way out. It's victory or oblivion.

Black oblivion, my long lost friend
Lord forgive me for I have sinned
-Tony Iommi/Billy Corgan

Wave Goodbye

Miercoles 16:00

We are secrets to each other
Each one's life a novel
No one else has read
Even joined in bonds of love
We're linked to one another
By such slender threads
-Rush

Today is my long day. I go to teach the kids at 5:15 - one of the moms drive me to Rivas cause it´s far to the North and East. I teach the kiddie´s at 6, Isidro at 7 (businessman). They are the ones i rent from. I hope they fixed the dishwasher and the washing machine and the hot water. Today´s shower was so cold i got out and turned the heat on- it helped a touch. But monday night i turned the heat on so that i could get a little heat to wash the dishes and left it on! I woke up dried out like a mummy. It was bad.

The other morning my alarm clock broke. I woke up at 9am with the light all wrong. I missed my first two classes. I checked the alarm and it had somehow broken. I threw it out the window later that night to shatter on Calle Espinel. That is what i am going to do from now on with things that fuck up my life - throw them out the window. If anyone can think of a way to get Darth up to my apartment, please let me know.

A multitude of rulers is not a good thing
Let there be one ruler, one king.
-Homer, the Illiad

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports,
such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
-Homer, the Simpsons

But otherwise my morning commute is a dream- usually only half and hour. Woo Hoo! Friday is a holiday - What else is new? Something about some saint of Madrid...blah blah blah blah blañh. Luckily i don´t work on Viernes so i don´t lose pay! It´s just in Madrid, so Maria and I may go somewhere for a day and get the hell out of the city.

I just finished the first Harry Potter and was impressed. She´s a good writer. I guess I am now officially a Pothead. Can´t wait to read the next one (The Seester has a whole stash). JK Rowling is the first Billionare writer - I hope to be the second. But until then - I just keep on blogging on.....

Got to find a roommate to share my new digs. Oi! A madman´s work is never done.

No Quarter

And two by two my human zoo
They'll be running for to come
Running for to come out of the rain

Oh flee for your lives who heed me not
Let all your treasures make you fear for your life
Deceive you not the fires of hell will take you
Should death await you
-Queen

IT IS A PRECARIOUS TIME FOR THE REBELLION. LORD VADER, DARK LORD OF THE SITH, HAS COUNTERED YET AGAIN WITH ANOTHER WAMPRAT SHIT OFFER, BUT THE REBELION STANDS FIRM TO ITS FINAL OFFER: TAKE IT OR LICK MY SWEATY BALLS! THE REBELS ALSO FART IN HER GENERAL DIRECTION. THE SITH WILL NEVER RISE AGAIN!!!!!!!

I heard from a woman today about the flat and she is coming tomorrow, so i am cleaning. Even though it's legal here, I refrained from asking her cup size (Obviously I carried my HR training across the Atlantic with me). Hijo de puta! The last thing I wanted to carry over was my loathsome American puritanism. Joder!!!!

Niece and Nephew
The Seester and Jan named the kittens: Ripley and Bishop, a delightful Alien 2 (and subsequent Aliens) reference that warms my sci-fi soul. Nice work gals, nice freaking work.

I am listening to Abbey Road and cannot believe how up-to-date the sound is. George Martin is a genius! So are those other four blokes.

Wave Five
I like my new flat. I dig the colorful neighborhood and it's immigrant charm. After all, that's exactly what i am.

Same Old Song
We are about to lead an attack on technology worthy of being chronicled in an anthem by Rush!
-Bender, Futurama

Neil Peart tried to warn me of the many trappings of technology, but would I listen? Of course not.

I was able to get the the Seahawks – Browns game yesterday on radio over the Internet. It was delightful for 3 quarters, and then something very Seahawks happened. They blew a lead and went to overtime (thanks to a 2 point conversion catch by Joe Jurevicious – who they never should have let go as he was the difference maker on that NFC championship team) and lost. I fell alseep in overtime, but awoke a 3:30 am to the horror.

And Atletico blew a 2-0 lead to lose 4-3 at home to Villareal! What else happened? Did David Wright fall down stairs and he'll be out for the 2008 season?

When the dawn patrol's got to tell you twice
They're gonna do it with a shotgun
Yes, I'm cashing in this ten-cent life
For another one
-Steely Dan

Wave 3 and 4

The more you see the less you know
The less you find out as you go
I knew much more then than I do now
-U2

Sabado

I have my clothes – which is good because the washer only runs with hot water til they fix it next week

Ditto the dishwasher. It needs like two pieces. But I'll have a dish washer!

Still trying to get the water in the shower HOT. Luke warm now – not awful but not nice. Good pressure though. These are all thing you need to look or in a lat. It's not like the US, where shit just works. And the people here are notorious bait and switchers. I have a TV, but it's no bigger than my computer screen. And it has a built in VCR! Fuck! This thing is older than Colin Tietjen!

They have no quams about fucking people over or some reason. Maybe a carry over from the dictatorship. But I just push back when I need to. I've pushed a lot lately. When they say they won't let you return a shirt today and to come back tomorrow, I just say “NO! I am here now. Now! Not tomorrow! Fuck you!” and then they cow tail to what you want. I'm beginning to understand how Franco was allowed to come to power.

Domingo

The party was fun! I tried to take pictures and the batteries in the camera died (this thing eats AA's). But it was kind of short as everyone wanted to catch the last Metro, so Maria and I went with them and we went to a few bars. We got back around 4. Oi!

Today we went for Mexican food for lunch. Stores are open on the 1^st Sunday of the Month, so we did some shopping when we couldn't find the Atletico game on TV at 17:00. Can you imagine not finding the Giants or Jets on TV? Things are so backwards here. Yesterday we got Man United vs. Arsenal, but it was tape delayed by 5 hours! They just take whatever shit they shovel at them here.

So putted around and shopped. I marked one present off my Christmas list. I also got a Spanish Grammar workbook so I can study in my travels and some reading in English. It was a beautiful 68 degree day.

So back to work tomorrow with much less of a commute!

I am just now placing my add on the Internet for a flatmate.

The new Joni Mitchell Album, Shine is fucking amazing (listening to it now). At first I didn't even understand what the hell was going on – now i think it's amazing. This is usually the case. If I get it right off, I'm bored silly by the tenth listen.

The Seester and Janet got two twin kittens this weekend. It's a boy and a girl. They are still thinking over names. Of course, i had a few suggestions:

Thing one and Thing two
Castor and Pollux
Ike and Tina
Sonny and Cher
Helmut and Louise
Paige and Plant
Louise and Clark
Brad and Angelina
Bitch Ass and MoFo
Gabriella and Hacket
By Tor and the Snow Dog
Persephone and Velda
Pink and Floyd
Snakes and Arrows
Peanut Butter and Jelly

Vale! (Okay!). I'm cracking myself up here – the height of all vanity. I need to stop before I hurt myself. Good luck with the names Seester!

The Sexta (channel 6 on Spanish TV) is now showing Barcelona and Betis even though the game just finished and we know the score because the Sexta showed us 100 times. Lame! I turn you off!

Maria just started reading Sleeping Through the Apocalypse. Not sure how much she will get – but at least 70%. Just hoping she'll still talk to me after she's done. I know the sex won't freak her out, but it's a touch violent.

Also highly recommended listening: King Crimson Jazz Trio: Songbook one. This just came on my iPod and it is mental. Sick jazz versions of King Crimson numbers your mum sang to you as a kid.

Oh you look so beautiful tonight
In the city of blinding lights
-U2

FIRST WAVE

There's always someone or something smarter than yourself.

-Merlin, Excalibur

Maria and I went out on Saturday night. We were supposed to meet up with the guiri (foreigner) girls; Kristen, Haley etc., but never did. Anyhoo, Maria doesn't sleep well quite often, and was exhausted. We were on the bus to Madrid and she told me she was really tired and hoped she would sleep well. I told her I'd get her a little drunk and then pick her up and put her to bed. I was talking in Spanish – big fucking mistake. I used PEQUENO the adjective instead of POCO the adverb. She burst out laughing. Essentially, I told her I would find her a drunk midget, carry them home, and put them both in her bed. Oops.

Maria and I went out for Halloween and she finally met Haley, Kristen and Syd. We told them the above story about the promised little drunk and they were dying laughing.

I was dressed as an Athletic Fan with scarf and Maria was kind of a witch with a purple cardboard spider around her neck. It really isn't that big a thing here. I saw like 3 kids dressed up. No one was dressed in Getafe. More people were dressed in Sol for the bars.

Jueves 1 de Noviembre

20:15

I'm in my flat! I dig it. I think this will work well. Wow, fucking November already!

Must get provisions and unload the first wave. Then watch Murcia vs. Espanyol on TV and then sleep.

listening to:
Asia: Live in Moscow
Pate Benatar: Live from Earth. Yeah, i said Pat Benatar. Shocking but true. You want a piece of me?
Crimson Jazz Trio: King Crimson Songbook I
Neil Young: Rust Never Sleeps
Blue Oyster Cult: A Long Day's Night
David Bowie: Aladdin Sane
Smashing Pumpkins: Zeitgeist. Jimmy Chamberlain is just a mad dog drummer. This has some moments of gaudy overindulgence, but i like, i like it, yes i do.
Joni Mitchell: Shine
Radiohead: In Rainbows. This album sounds great. The guitars sound more like guitars again. It's available only by download and you can pay anything you want. I paid a pound-fifty because i was being a cheap bastid.

2 Noviembre

6:00

Does anybody here remember Vera Lynn?
Remember how she said that we would meet again some sunny day?
-Pink Floyd

Game was a 0-0 snore and I slept. Then woke up at 3:30am and got motivated again on sorting the first wave of shit. Got hot water, cold fridge- all that good shit.

It was a touch sad to leave Maria after sharing her apartment for 2 weeks, which is a damn nice thing. We need our own space, but it was sweet. Even as things progress (however they do) I can't see wanting to live with anyone in the near future. I just got out of that.

Speaking of which, all is quiet on the North American Front, although I just waiting to hear from legal before I launch an attack i hope will end this destructive conflict, now over a year old.

There was a time when i thought divorce would be the worst thing in the world. Now I can't fucking wait.

Email me photos of the kids in costume!

The other day we did the lyrics to Time Stand Still (A request from Antonio) and Between the Wheels, both Rush tunes with wildly disparate themes. The former a mushy and sentimental about the passage of time, the latter about being put thru the meat grinder and being shred into cat food. In virtually all of the classes, we read a article about the endless amount of infrastructure Brazil will have to put in to host the Word Cup in 2014. They need to build 8 to 12 new stadiums, build mass transit and crack down on crime.

Speaking of football and crime: who wants to go to South Africa for the World Cup in 2010? I so have to go.

Time to slumber.

Something is cracking
I don't know where
-Suzanne Vega

Usually a case of malignant narcissism from childhood.
-Team America: World Police